It’s time to pull it together….I mean really. Kids, work, house, fitness, food, marriage, self – and all of those expand into larger subsets. There is soooo much. And I am struggling, really struggling. I feel like I am on a spinning carnival ride that won’t stop and let me off.
How do people do it? How did my parents do it? I mean, maybe things were a little simpler in life, but probably not. And they did it, and my grandparents did it…and they did it without phones, without online shopping, amazon two day delivery and grocery pick up service. Am I alone in feeling like I can’t quite get a grip on reality? Or is it more normal than people let on?
I feel like there is not one thing in my life that I can accomplish without interruption. Even right this moment….my 3 year old daughter is showing me a picture, wanting to know where she was when the picture was taken. And I’m having to find a way to explain to a 3 years old that there was life before her. Which of course, according to her, there was nothing before her. And sometimes, I think she may be right.
Before her…what was before her. There was work, I had really just gotten started. After so much time in school, I had only just gotten started with work. There was marriage, and romance and week nights cuddled on the couch with our TV shows and long Saturdays and longer Saturday nights and luxurious Sunday mornings in bed. There was a distinction between self and all other beings. There was time.
Every single moment is FULL. [I have had to change my son’s poopie diaper, find her baby because she NEEDS it, be fully present at a cupcake party at 830 am, tend to his bumped head since he doesn’t understand yet that he is taller than the table, break up an argument between the 3 year old and the 1 year old as the 3 year old is convinced that the 1 year old is after her toy when he is walking across the room in her general direction, and put him down for a nap – all while trying to maintain a consistent thought stream].
And I don’t mean to sound like I am complaining. And as I read over my work (to refocus my thoughts after each interruption), I realize that it what it sounds like.
I wouldn’t trade any of it with my kids. They are what makes this insanity worth it. Before her, there were no little arm hugs, no crys that only Mamma and her super powers could fix, no first baby smiles or steps. I won’t say there was nothing before her, because that too would be inaccurate. But there has been so much after her (them).
But I do want to find some balance, or at least find a way to really enjoy and be present in all these things that make up a life. I don’t want to look back and feel like I was just frustrated all time or worried about time or just making it from one thing to the next.
So where does the balance come from. What is balance and how do people find it, much less maintain it. I suppose it is different for everyone. And probably instead of a consistent state, it is probably always in some form of flux. And maybe that’s the rub for me. To never really feel like I have a grip on it because there is always something changing. Change. That thing that is really hard. Ya.
So, I’ll have to work on a plan. Life is too short to miss it because you’re busy.